Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Christian for a week 

If you've read this blog long enough, or have actually looked over there <=, you'll know that I'm a cheerfully godless heathen. Well, it's a little known fact that I once went to a Hillsongs Christian sort of thing - and sort of converted. I went to the front and got my little free bible and had my details taken down.

The speaker suckered me in. I still remember something he said, that Christianity could help you break the cycle of your destiny. You know, how children of criminals become criminals and divorced parents have kids who have broken families themselves.

Tricky bastard. Straight to the heart.

I left with a sort of dazed glow, and a sort of emptiness, from letting go of the philosophical crisis that I'd been going through since reading "Sophie's World". That night, I looked in the mirror and tested out being a Christian, tried it out in my mind- "why am I here? Because God made me"..."where did the world come from? God made it". The simplicity was enchanting. But I also felt how facile it was, how hollow. Anyway, when I confessed it to my mother, she totally freaked. I think she felt like I'd rebelled against her or something. Anyway, I hurriedly placated her. So like half a week after I'd accepted Jesus Christ as my saviour, I'd already renounced him.

On one hand, I'm glad. There are some aspects of the religion I'm wary of: the evangelism, the whole "non-Christians go to hell" thing (even babies? even my Buddhist grandma who's the best person I know? even people who've never bee taught about Christianity?), the intolerance of homosexuality, the sort of whiteness about it (Jesus ain't Vietnamese, that's for sure), the bloody history, the human-centricity (I mean, we're just little specks in the life of the universe, why would any deity really give a stuff about us? it's so egotistical). The idea of god's son being a real person who walked on Earth- it's just so contrived.

However, I've always wondered about that path not taken, now that I'm wandering in a sort of agnostic fudge, debating morality endlessly with myself. It's so much easier to have a big fat book tell you how to live your life.

I think it was the sense of fellowship that drew me in, and more importantly, the music. If I ever decide to be born again again, it'll be because of music. While Buddhism is more appealing in its philosophy, it's just too ascetic for me. There's no sense of congregation, no communal singing. I love the music of Christianity - I secretly miss singing hymns at school assembly, and the carol service. Beniamino Gigli singing the Gounod (? I think) "Ave Maria" made me misty-eyed this morning. I love churches - I still remember the sort of bliss I felt in singing the Halleluia chorus in choir one Christmas. Christian culture is so beautiful, some of it, anyway. Soaring cathedrals, bells, sacred music. Bach, Michelangelo- how heart-breaking is the Pieta?

I'm still flirting with the idea of Christianity...I might turn to it in my old age. One needs to believe in something, right?

# posted at 7:37 pm

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