Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Accidental tourist
Chris and I went to her friend Mady's house this evening to make a cake for a Yugo dinner tomorrow hosted by her other friend Paul, who was also there. I'd already met Paul & Mady briefly before. They're cool people. Paul is a funny wiseass and Mady seems really sweet. The cake was yummy and Pictionary was fun.But.
It's like being a tourist in someone else's friendships. They have their injokes and catchphrases and habits. They have their friends in common and their quirky trademarks and their shared experiences. However friendly they are, you can't help but feel like a stranger in a strange land.
The same is true to a lesser extent with my own friends. People have new friends, they're interested in new things. I find myself struggling to find what we have in common, trying to remember who these people are and were.
Meanwhile, I feel as if I haven't changed at all, or even regressed back to that insecure, lonely kid I was in year six. My Sydney friends are more like acquaintances; there are only about three people I'd tell if I were to change uni. They aren't proper friends with each other either. They're the type of friends you'd call to go to a movie, but not just to talk.
I know that this is a transition thing. I know that things will fall into place when I figure out who I am and what I believe and what I like. I know that this lone wolf thing is self-perpetuating. I know it's a product of geographical dislocation and a maturity lag. I know that after a while, I'll find like-minded people and stop either scorning people or being intimidated by them. Knowledge doesn't really help.
This adriftness has been the theme of this blog, and my thoughts, for this whole year. I'm sick of it. Someone stop the world so I can get on.
# posted at 2:02 am
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