Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Carking it 

On MSN today, Chris told me that the father of one of the girls at our school had suicided. After the inital "WTF???! holy shit!" moment, we got to talking about how you're meant to react if you're told such news. Anyone have a fricking manual? I've had a few such moments before, and I feel I reacted badly. If someone's relative dies, I always feel the urge to ask how close they were to them. I did that when Kay's/Naf's/Chris' grandparents died. On one hand, it gives you a guide on how to act, how carefully you should tread, you know. On the other, it's a bit of a blunt instrument. And it doesn't always work as a gauge either. I found that out when my uncle died in Vietnam. I never even met him, but my father's and and my grandma's grief was infectious. It's like incense: burn one stick and it clings to your hair and clothes; the suffocating smell permeates the house and you can't escape it. That's how I realised that I didn't really support the aforementioned friends very well when they needed it, as they surely must have (sorry Chris): if 2nd-hand grief sucks that much, then how much would 1st-hand grief suck?

The only thing I remember from my own personal experience of Shit, ie. my parents' divorce, was that I wanted to keep my dignity. Stuff crying on shoulders, I wrote nasty things in my journal and tore pages out and screamed into my pillow and punched my teddies. So long as no one knew. Undoubtedly one of the reasons I'm such a balanced, well-adjusted young woman today. I'm sure that's not the right way to deal, and I don't ever want any of my friends or loved ones to do that. But still, I realise the importance of dignity, the semblance of control.

But I digress. Reactions to other people's problems. How are you meant to act? And not just with death, but say illness, divorce, accidents, broken hearts, failure, all the Shit that Happens. Sympathy, offers of help, black humour (!), business as usual, hugs, platitudes, positivity, silent support, asking questions? "I'm so sorry for your loss...at least he went quickly/painlessly/with his family all around....he would've wanted it this way...he would've wanted you to be happy". Makes me want to dig my fingernails into my palm.

I guess my strategy is to be honest. None of that soothing/pitying/condescending shit. When in doubt, silence. Some optimism if the situation warrants it. No advice, because it's bound to be useless and what's worse than false-perkiness when all you want to do is bawl your eyes out? And I think I might work on a comforting arm and a "do you want to talk about it?", though I'll need to get past the midday-melodrama queasiness. There's still the problem of what to do if it's an acquaintance or stranger or teacher*, or if it's a weird situation. I guess there's always the run-and-hide solution, or you could muster up a "I'm sorry", looking 'em in the eye for sincerity...and THEN run and hide.

*I forget if I've already immortalized this story in hypertext. I tend to repeat it because it's one of those mind-fuckingly-weird moments: "omfg teachers are HUMAN? NO WAY!" Anywho, my yr 12 French class signed a petition against the teacher basically saying that "you suck and you're mean and we want a better teacher so thbbbbt" (I didn't sign: remember VCE rule #1. Plus she was cool, 10x better than some of these uni profs, bah). So she comes into class and starts CRYING. Never have I heard such silence. She did it again another time, as well, because we were all coming to class late and she 'd been up til 3 correcting our work (incidentally, I was late to that lesson, har). It worked, too: we came nerdily early after that. Tres crafty, Mme B.

**I stumbled upon "A taxonomy of friends and family" yesterday. What NOT to do when you're given other people's bad news (in this case, the guy has MS).

# posted at 11:49 pm

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